Depressed....as always?

And then...you know, it's hard...to keep it up, to fake a smile, to make everything spin at the same pace when it's obviously everything passed me by.

In this moment, I don't really know what to feel, what to do. The only thing that is sure is I cannot break. Not when she is leaning on me, counting on me. Everyone seems sad because of it. They want to pray and to cry. That's bullshit. An atheist. Church? God? Everything for which he fought, all fucked up. Tears? His life was a joke. A dream. An every-day bohemian party. Why should we cry over the end of it? I say we all should get wasted, as he would like to see us. Being happy, being drunk, being high. That was his life, that was he would like to be remembered.

Maybe I want to show that I don't care, that I don't fucking give a fuck because he didn't gave a fuck for us either. Perhaps, deep inside, it hurts me. That would be bad. Perhaps, deep inside, I still don't give a fuck. That would be worst. The only thing that's clear for me is that I need to get drunk, high and maybe have some fun. Maybe I need it. Maybe I'm just egoist, as always. Maybe, maybe I'm just depressed.